NX-2000's Not So Private Hell

Had another one of those conversations. Do not tell the people who love you about the people you wish would ask you out. It will only serve to make them feel worthless and eventually force them to go away. I do not like sitting around feeling like my only place is confidant and fuck buddy. These are very much feelings that cause me to throw up my hands and run away before I get hurt any worse.

http://youtu.be/W57iBAfbd_4

Back to the bottom. I'm obviously doing something wrong.

I feel like a roller coaster. I'm estaticly happy right now and the only different life I can imagine doesn't involve living here and can think of nothing else but how to make it a reality. A few days ago I was resigned to doing without and second guessing my worth as a human. I'm pretty sure there'll be a limit as to how much I can rubber band. I know I'm in bad shape when I think to myself that it would be nice to have a drink.

I hit 249 the other day. 2 lbs and I'll be down 50.

This morning I was supposed to buy someone a car but there was timing issues and the car ended up getting sold before we could get there. Spent several hours trying to find an alternate with less than zero luck. I left very dispondant and she thought I was pissed off at her and everyone seemed to want to ask me if I was pissed off. Maybe there's something wrong with me and I can't emote properly. After I left her house I went by several car places that I saw listed hoping they'd have something on the lot but didn't find anything. She and her boyfriend went hunting at some of the same locations and txt'd then called me to give me status updates. When over there she'd talked to some people about cars and one person recommended that tuesday is the best day for hunting which made logical sense because it'd be the time for them to have processed trade-ins from all the weekend sales(plus friday, payday for most people). I said I was going to continue to look online and hope that the tuesday was going to be the big day, her tone of voice got pretty angry and said that fine, they'd stop looking.

I don't know why I got further upset at that point, ran to the store, grabbed a bunch of food and came home to consume it. After my pig out I passed right out and slept until I got a txt from whom I care so much about. This is incredibly unhealthy behavior for me and I extremely regret it. By writing it down I hope to stop it right fucking now by embarassing myself.

I got other news this week that greatly disturbed me and I'm positive I can't talk about it. I'm just very worried about someone and very worried about my own physical well-being. There's no method I can be tested for it so there's no way for me to tell if I'm infectious either. The more I think about it, the worse off I get in my own head about what happens if everything falls apart. I can't in good conscious risk anyone else.

Work is going pretty well. My new machine is doing fantastically. Only issue is the upgraded electronics, they seriously shouldn't have released it last month. It plain and simple isn't fucking ready. Its currently a big fight to get it ready in time for what I need. Its about 85% of what I need and I've figured out a possible work-around to get these two ready for the edger install at the optical lab June 18th. I designed my first circuit board the week before last and we had it produced, my hardware design is 97% of what I originally drew up and has been produced very professionally and looks and works awesomely. The cost we're able to produce these is 5 times less than what competitors sell their machines for, giving us lots of pricing wiggle room. Its this kind of stuff that makes good business. Unfortunately my partner is side-lining a bit wanting to build conveyors too. My gut keeps going back to finish one project before going onto the next, but as usual, he's getting antsey because he's not the one who has to do all the low-level details like I do and is looking at other outlets.

The foundation repair on my house is going incredibly slow. Last week they said they'd need to be inside to do the lifting on about tuesday and they'd call me to let me know, but they were scheduled to be at my house all week. Come friday morning they call me to let me know that one of their main people had a baby and another had cut off a finger or some shit and they wouldn't be working at all on monday and that they thought they'd need to do the lifting on tuesday and should be done wednesday. Uhm, isn't that a whole week longer than what you said it'd originally be? I'm leaving town thursday super a.m. and I mentioned this to the person. I can't exactly pay you guys or let you into my home if I'm not in the same state.

I'm very much in love. This brings me great peace and happiness. The worlds of my friends and loved ones are all being torn apart by health problems and influences of horrible people. This brings me great sadness and feelings of helplessness.

Just gave up the most important thing that ever entered my life because I wanted to feel loved and important for just a few minutes. I've never hated myself this much in my life and never so sorry to have hurt someone. The consequences are what I deserve in life. I'm tired of hurting people.

I get very uncomfortable when the woman I love talks to me about prospective boyfriends. I'm pretty sure I'm not crazy about this sinking feeling and wanting to just hang up and go cry. At this point I'm wondering how I'm going to react when she finds someone better than I. I'm very much crazy about her and it all seems right up until these moments of fear and dread.

I had to call friday to the ureology place to find out my results, I've got a sperm count of 0, so that's one bonus. Its mothers day and I'll never do that to someone.

Had a long conversation with an ex last night, it was very pleseant. I told her about all the changes I was making in my life and she let me know that she thought it was a positive direction. Means a lot to hear that coming from someone I care so much about. The more I work on improving myself the more regret I have about my treatment of the people closest to me over the years. In later years, I wasn't particulraly bad, but I realize how often I'd shut down when things wouldn't go my way and quiet is just as hurtful as yelling.

Which if you reread that last sentence and zoom back up to the first paragraph, you wonder how I get stuck in these logic loops in my head.

I very much am lonley. I do not need more friends. I'm still unsure why I'm so unwanted.

Had a very akward moment with my mother at the optical lab today. The lab manager had to go take his wife in for preop stuff for surgery she's having on wednesday, so while I was doing my end month billing stuff I went and sat in his office in case anything went wrong people could come up and tell me and I could get it fixed, but otherwise ignoring the regular activity because I was busy. She walked in and said "what are your intentions on the girl in NY?", I paused and looked at her funny, reminded her that we're not a couple, that until we live in the same city, we're not even allowed to think about persuing anything. She then paused for a few seconds and said "I have both of your grandmothers engagement rings and mine. I just want you to know they are yours if you want them". I think my jaw dropped and I did my best recovery to thank her and tell her that it wouldn't be necessary and that it was nice of her to offer.

Makes me worry about her state of things, I heard her talking to the other office girls about wills and so forth.

My great aunt got admitted to the hospital last night and this evening they had to rush her into emergency surgery. They found that part of her small intestine had knoted up and they had to remove 2 feet worth. While in there they also took out her gall bladder that was full of stones. At nearly 92, the surgery couldn't have gone better but everyone was terrified. I hope my mothers oddball behavior was just an outlet for her insecurity of Marions condition.

Honestly, I feel strongly enough for this woman that, yes, I would if given the opportunity. But there's some pretty huge hurdles and a lot of time that needs to occur before that can even come up. I just hate that I'm trying to sleep and I can't help but think about wtf is going on.

http://youtu.be/OZOB6mONVz4

Yeah, lump not going away. More pain than yesterday and now getting odd back twinges that make it hard to walk. Don't know if I hurt my back by walking a funny way or if there's something more serious giong on. Going to take a lortab when I get home and do a boiling hot bath even if they said originally not to for 10 days. I think I've got an infection and that's how I always take care of them without having to do the doctor route.

Got bad news about a thing I put into motion(the "reevaluate in September, right now the history is poor since you only did your changes 2 years ago")...and not suprisingly, the universe responded by being told to move faster on it. Hate the universe right now in so many ways. Very frustrated.

I have a project I want to do by hand for someone very special, unfortunately it requires one piece of information from them that I've been hinting I want for months now. Frustrating because I just accidentally came across a site for getting the raw materials for what I want to do. Its honestly I've wanted to do for 20 some years but could never figure out anything I wanted that badly for myself. I have a crystal clear vision of what I want to do now but the part has to be sized correctly, can't be adjusted later. Ugh.

In other news, I have no idea what's going on. Feel like the tide right now. It may be that my proceedure has had a more profound effect on my emotional state that I'm aware. Things are infinately better today.

Yesterday I had a quarter sized lump under the stitches that hurt like hell constantly(first day back at work), today its down to dime sized and I can only notice it when I try and sit down too quickly or walk for a long time. Hopefully tomorrow I can get back into my walking routine.

I'm down 45 lbs from the begining of the year and I got to see a picture of myself from last weekend I noticed just how baggy my clothes are. On a lark, since I had a tape measure on my desk about my new hardware project, I measured the distance between the stretched out holes on my belt and my new belt position..7 inches. Yeah, unfortunately am going to start thinking about clothes shopping. But I hate it, especially when my goal is another 53 lbs to go.